Sometimes empathy trumps the truth TB Ketubot 17

Daf TB Ketubot 17 is one of the most famous dappim in massekhet Ketubot. I never watch those reality bride shows on the television. I have to admit though while passing through the living room I have seen snippets because somebody else was. I couldn’t help but notice that the brides came in all shapes and sizes. Some brides in my eyes were much more beautiful than others. Our daf teaches us an important value how we should speak about one another. Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel disagreed on the kind of truth we tell the bride.

“The Sages taught: How does one dance before the bride (Katzad merakdim-כֵּיצַד מְרַקְּדִין לִפְנֵי הַכַּלָּה), i.e., what does one recite while dancing at her wedding? Beit Shammai say: One recites praise of the bride as she is, emphasizing her good qualities. And Beit Hillel say: One recites: A fair and attractive bride. Beit Shammai said to Beit Hillel: In a case where the bride was lame or blind, does one say with regard to her: A fair and attractive bride? But the Torah states: “Keep you from a false matter” (Exodus 23:7). Beit Hillel said to Beit Shammai: According to your statement, with regard to one who acquired an inferior acquisition from the market, should another praise it and enhance its value in his eyes or condemn it and diminish its value in his eyes? You must say that he should praise it and enhance its value in his eyes and refrain from causing him anguish. From here the Sages said: A person’s disposition should always be empathetic with mankind, and treat everyone courteously. In this case too, once the groom has married his bride, one praises her as being fair and attractive.” (Sefaria.org translation)

Beit Shammai might say something like “She’s no bathing beauty, but she is a good cook.” For Beit Shammai truth is the most important value. Beit Hillel disagrees. We should always be courteous and not to hurt another person’s feelings. Sometimes being empathetic trumps the truth. On her wedding day every bride is beautiful in the groom’s eyes and we should say nothing that would diminish his estimation of his beloved.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could treat everybody with empathy every day and not only on their wedding day!

This daf also could be the origin of the shtick the guests at a wedding do to entertain the bride and groom. “With regard to the mitzva of bringing joy to the bride and groom, the Gemara relates: The Sages said about Rabbi Yehuda bar Elai that he would take a myrtle branch and dance before the bride, and say: A fair and attractive bride. Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzḥak would base his dance on three myrtle branches that he would juggle” (Sefaria.org translation) I still smile as I remember some of the shtick my friends did at my wedding. For example, I remember as one of our friends was flamenco dancing in front of us, she magically started pulling out of her mouth color paper streamers which seemed to be never ending. We have a photograph where 20 plus cloth napkins were tied together, and friends started using them as a jump rope to entertain us.

Katzad merakdim-כֵּיצַד מְרַקְּדִין לִפְנֵי הַכַּלָּה is a standard song sung on all traditional Jewish wedding dance floors. Here is a link of the song so that the next time you’re at a Jewish wedding and people start singing ktzad merakdim, you can join in the festivities.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoT1XEzrDEE