Beyond my control TB Ketubot 4

Even during Talmudic times, the rabbis permitted marriages to take place before Wednesdays when something happened that was beyond the control (ones-אוֹנֶס) of the bride and groom. The Gemara TB Ketubot 4 gives an example of ones that thankfully I never had to deal with as a rabbi.

“What is the meaning of: Due to the coercion (what I have defined is something beyond the control of the bride and groom or ones-אוֹנֶס-gg)? It is as it is taught in a baraita: If one’s bread was baked, and his animal slaughtered, and his wine diluted, and all preparations for the wedding feast were complete, and the father of the groom or the mother of the bride died before the wedding, then before burying the deceased, which would trigger the onset of mourning, one moves the corpse into a room, and the bride and groom are ushered to the wedding canopy and they are married.

“And the groom then engages in intercourse with the bride to fulfill the mitzva, and then he withdraws from his wife, and the corpse is buried. And the groom then observes the seven days of the wedding feast, which are a personal festival for him, when the obligation of mourning rites does not take effect, and thereafter he observes the seven days of mourning. And throughout those days of rejoicing and mourning, the groom sleeps among the men, and the bride sleeps among the women, and they are not permitted to enter into seclusion. And in the event of mourning, one does not withhold jewels from the bride for the entire thirty-day period after the wedding, so that she not be undesirable to her husband.

“And the wedding takes place and is followed by seven days of feasting and seven days of mourning, specifically if it is the father of the groom or the mother of the bride who died, as in that case there is no other person who would exert themselves for them. They are the ones responsible for the wedding preparations, and therefore the preparations that were completed must be utilized. However, if the opposite takes place, i.e., the mother of the groom or the father of the bride dies, no, the practice is different. The corpse is buried immediately, the seven-day mourning period is observed, and only afterward is the couple married.” (Sefaria.org translation)

This poor bride or groom’s situation is exactly like when a loved one dies on a holiday. Shiva is postponed until after the sheva brakhot, the seven days of feasting, or the holiday. These mourners still observes the laws of mourning in private.

“The Gemara proceeds to analyze the baraita. The Master said: He sleeps among the men and she sleeps among the women. This supports the opinion of Rabbi Yoḥanan, as Rabbi Yoḥanan said: Although they stated that there is no mourning observed on a Festival, yet one observes matters of privacy, i.e., mourning practices not apparent to onlookers. Therefore, the groom and the bride may not engage in relations during the seven days of rejoicing, as the legal status of those days is like that of a Festival for them.” (Sefaria.org translation)

We learn at the bottom of TB Ketubot 4b that mourning begins “according to the opinion of Rabbi Yehoshua, mourning does not take effect until the covering of the grave is sealed.” (Sefaria.org translation)That is why you never hear the mourner’s Kaddish at the funeral home. It is always said a gravesite.