The difference between mourning a parent and the rest of the relatives TB Moed Katan 22

The mitzvah honoring one’s parents (כִּיבּוּד אָב וְאֵם) impacts how the child mourns. Today’s daf TB Moed Katan 22 delineates the differences between mourning a parent and the rest of the relatives. All quotes are from Sefaria.org translation.

1.     On daf TB Moed Katan 21b we learn about the first difference between a parent and the rest of the relatives when it comes to extending a greeting (שְׁאִילַת שָׁלוֹם) to a mourner. “The Gemara answers: This is not difficult. This baraita, which says that one must not extend greetings to a mourner for twelve months, is referring to one who lost his father or mother. That baraita, which teaches that a mourner may be greeted after seven days, is referring to one who is in mourning over other relatives.”

2.     “It was taught in a baraita: With regard to all other deceased relatives, it is praiseworthy for one to be quick in taking the bier out for burial. But in the case of one’s father or mother, acting in this manner is condemnable, as one should draw out the period of acute mourning for his parent. (With more time available, we can honor the deceased with more eulogies. –gg) If, however, it was Friday or the eve of a Festival, then one is praiseworthy for expediting his parent’s burial because he does this only out of respect for his father or mother, as he does not want them to remain unburied for the duration of Shabbat or the Festival.”

3.     With regard to all other dead, if the mourner wishes he may reduce his business due to mourning. If, however, he wishes not to do so, he need not reduce it. In the case of his father or mother, he must always reduce his business.” The Gemara makes a distinction between work (מלאכה) and business (עֶסֶק). Work is forbidden, but to do a little business like selling is permitted.

4.     “With regard to all other deceased relatives, if the mourner wishes, he may remove his garment from one of his shoulders, and if he wishes not to remove it, he need not remove it. However, in the case of his father or mother, he must always remove his garment from one of his shoulders.” Halitzah (חָלִיצָה) is baring one’s shoulder. Remember back then, people wore tunics and lowering one side of the tunic to bare a shoulder was easily accomplished. Ramban explained that this is part and parcel of the custom of tearing one’s clothing. One tore a rend so that one shoulder would be uncovered. Rashi explains that the mourner uncovers his shoulder as a person who is involved in very hard work to symbolically show that he is busy honoring the deceased. Some others interpret this as removing a person shoes and walking barefoot not as a sign of mourning, but rather to show honor to the deceased. He removes his shoes escorting the deceased to the grave which is when before he is obligated to remove them as a mourner.

5.     “The Gemara returns to the continuation of the baraita: With regard to all deceased relatives except for parends, one may cut his hair after thirty days. In the case of one’s father or mother, one may not cut his hair until his colleagues have rebuked him for his hair being too long.”

6.     “With regard to all other deceased relatives, he may enter a place where a joyous celebration is taking place after thirty days; in the case of his father or mother, he may enter such a place only after twelve months. Rabba bar Ḥana said: The ruling that a mourner may enter a house of joy after thirty days applies specifically to a joyous social gathering, that is to say, to the joyous meals that a group of friends would eat together, each taking a turn hosting. But this ruling does not apply to a large joyous occasion, such as a wedding feast.” A simkha is usually defined as an event where live music is performed.

7.     The custom of keri’ah (קְרִיעָה), rendering one’s clothing, has many subsections.

 

a.     “The baraita continues: With regard to all other deceased relatives, one rends his garment the length of a handbreadth, and that suffices. In the case of his father or mother, he must rend his garment until he reveals his heart. Rabbi Abbahu said: What is the verse that teaches that the rend must be a handbreadth? “And David took hold of his clothes and rend them” (II Samuel 1:11), and taking hold cannot be done for a garment less than a handbreadth.”

 

b.     “The baraita teaches further: With regard to all other deceased relatives, even if he is wearing ten garments, one on top of the other, he rends only his outer garment. But in the case of his father or mother, he must rend them all. Failure to rend his undergarment, however, does not invalidate the fulfillment of the mitzva. Both a man and a woman are required to rend their garments. Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar says: A woman first rends her inner garment and turns it around, so that the tear is on her back. And only afterward does she rend her outer garment, so that she does not expose her chest.”

 

c.      “With regard to all other deceased relatives, if one wishes he may rip apart his garment on the hem, rather than merely expanding the neck hole, so that the tear stands out distinctly from the opening of the garment. If he wishes not to do this, he does not rip apart the hem in this manner. That is to say, one may simply enlarge the neck hole, although rending a garment in this way makes the tear less prominent. In the case of one’s father or mother, however, he must always rip apart the hem.”

 

d.     “The baraita continues: With regard to all other deceased relatives, one may tack the tear with rough stitches after seven days, and one may join the edges more carefully after thirty days. But in the case of one’s father or mother, he may tack the tear only after thirty days, and he may never again join the edges more carefully. A woman, however, may tack the tear immediately, due to her honor, for it would be dishonorable for her to be seen with torn garments.”

 

e.      “When Ravin came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said: With regard to all other deceased relatives, if one wishes, he may rend his garment with his hand; and if he wishes, he may rend it with a utensil in a way that will preserve it. But in the case of his father or mother, he must rend his garment with his hand in a manner that will utterly ruin it.”

We do not observe all these mourning customs today. We no longer bare a shoulder as a sign of mourning. Many people opt to cut keri’ah with the black ribbon the Jewish funeral home provides. Although our daf did not include this difference, I’ll share it with you. For all other relatives keri’ah is done on the right side of the clothing well for a parent it is done on the left side of the clothing because the tearing is closest to his heart.

For those customs we still observe, consult your local rabbi on the correct procedure.