Obligations of wives and husbands TB Ketubot 59, 61, and 62

Husbands and wives have obligations to each other. The Mishnah on daf TB Ketubot 59b spells out the obligations of the wife to her husband.

“MISHNA: And these are tasks that a wife must perform for her husband: She grinds wheat into flour, and bakes, and washes clothes, cooks, and nurses her child, makes her husband’s bed, and makes thread from wool by spinning it. If she brought him one maidservant, i.e., brought the maidservant with her into the marriage, the maidservant will perform some of these tasks. Consequently, the wife does not need to grind, and does not need to bake, and does not need to wash clothes. If she brought him two maidservants, she does not need to cook and does not need to nurse her child if she does not want to, but instead may give the child to a wet nurse. If she brought him three maidservants, she does not need to make his bed and does not need to make thread from wool. If she brought him four maidservants, she may sit in a chair [katedra] like a queen and not do anything, as her maidservants do all of her work for her.

“Rabbi Eliezer says: Even if she brought him a hundred maidservants, he can compel her to make thread from wool, since idleness leads to licentiousness. Consequently, it is better for a woman to be doing some kind of work. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel says: Even one who vows that his wife is prohibited from doing any work must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract, since idleness leads to boredom (my translation-gg).” (Sefaria.org translation)

The Mishnah clearly delineates the division of labor between husband and wife. The husband worked outside the house either farming or working in a trade like tanning hides. The wife worked maintained the household. Obviously, this clear line dividing responsibilities is no longer applicable. Women work outside the home in a variety of careers and men share household responsibilities (although studies have shown that men have not picked up their equal share of responsibilities). Whatever the division of labor should be decided amicably between husband and wife. On daf TB Ketubot 61b we learn “Rav Malkiyyu said that Rav Adda bar Ahava said: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer.” (Sefaria.org translation) Whether you accept Rabbi Eliezer’s reason or Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel’s opinion, we can agree that work enhances a person’s dignity and self-esteem; consequently, every human being no matter how high or low station in society should work and contribute to the welfare of the community.

The Mishnah on daf TB Ketubot 61b spells out the husband’s obligations towards the wife. We already know that the husband obligates himself to provide food and clothing. The Mishnah discusses the husband’s sexual responsibility.

“MISHNA: With regard to one who vows that his wife may not derive benefit from marital relations with him, Beit Shammai say: He may maintain this situation for up to two weeks, but beyond that he must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract. Beit Hillel say: He must divorce her if it continues beyond one week.

“Apropos the husband’s obligation to his wife regarding marital relations, the Gemara mentions other aspects of this issue: Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah (see Exodus 21:10), unless the couple stipulated otherwise, varies according to the man’s occupation and proximity to his home: Men of leisure, who do not work, must engage in marital relations every day, laborers must do so twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.” (Sefaria.org translation)

Today’s daf TB Ketubot 62 teaches a valuable ethical lesson after discussing when is the best time for Torah scholars to engage in marital relations with their wives.

“§ When is the ideal time for Torah scholars to fulfill their conjugal obligations? Rav Yehuda said that Shmuel said: The appropriate time for them is from Shabbat eve to Shabbat eve, i.e., on Friday nights. Similarly, it is stated with regard to the verse “that brings forth its fruit in its season” (Psalms 1:3): Rav Yehuda said, and some say that it was Rav Huna, and some say that it was Rav Naḥman: This is referring to one who engages in marital relations, bringing forth his fruit, from Shabbat eve to Shabbat eve.

“It is related further that Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya and son-in-law of Rabbi Yannai, would go and sit in the study hall, and every Shabbat eve at twilight he would come to his house. When he would come, Rabbi Yannai would see a pillar of fire preceding him due to his sanctity. One day he was engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and he stayed in the study hall and did not return home. When Rabbi Yannai did not see that sign preceding him, he said to the family: Turn his bed over, as one does at times of mourning, since he must have died, reasoning that if Yehuda were alive he would not have missed his set interval for conjugal relations and would certainly have come home. What he said became “like an error that proceeds from a ruler” (Ecclesiastes 10:5), and Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya, died.” (Sefaria.org translation)

A person should always be careful what he says. Even an accidental or careless word can cause great damage. As we prepare for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we should especially be careful how we speak to one another. 28% of the traditional Al Chet confessional we recite on Yom Kippur deals with wronging others with words we speak.