Today’s daf Ketubot 72 lists grounds for divorce. These are not no-fault divorces. When a husband is at fault, he divorces his wife and must pay the sums of money in the ketubah. When the wife is at fault, she is divorced and loses her ketubah.
The Gemara gives specific examples
when the husband makes intolerable demands upon his wife; consequently, he must
divorce his wife. “The mishna states: One who vows and obligates his wife not to
go to a house of mourning or to a house of feasting for a wedding, must divorce
her and give her the payment of her marriage contract, because it is as if he
were locking a door in front of her. The Gemara asks: Granted, when he
forbids her from going to a house of feasting, there is
effectively an act of locking a door in front of her by
withholding from her any possibility of rejoicing, but when he forbids
her from going to a house of mourning, what locking of a door in
front of her is there? He taught: In the future she too will die, and no
person will eulogize her or take care of her, just as she did not do so for
others. And some say: No person will value her or pay attention to her,
since a person who does not visit the sick or console mourners cuts himself off
from others.” (Sefaria.org translation)
As Yogi Berra once famously said, “always go to other people’s funerals,
otherwise they won’t come to yours.” For life to flourish, human beings need to
live in reciprocal relationships with others. If a husband demands that his
wife become isolated and cannot participate in the life of the community, he
must divorce her.
“Or he said the vow
will be void on condition that she fill something up and pour it into
the refuse. The Gemara asks: And let her do it. Rav
Yehuda said that Shmuel said: The mishna’s intention is that
he demanded that she fill herself up and then shake
herself out. This is a euphemistic way of saying that the husband wants her to
take measures to prevent herself from becoming pregnant, and she is permitted
to protest this” (Sefaria.org translation) In massekhet Yevamot, a reason was given why this is an intolerable
demand. The wife wants to become a mother so that her children will take care
of for in her old age.
“It was taught in a baraita: The case is that
he told her to fill up ten jugs of water and pour them into
the refuse, a task that involves pointless effort and appears foolish…
according to the baraita, which explains that he simply wants her to
engage in pointless work, what difference does it make to her? Let her do
it. Rabba bar Ḥanna said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said: Because she would appear
insane if she were to perform pointless actions, she may therefore demand a
divorce. Rav Kahana said: One who vows and obligates his wife not to borrow or not to
lend utensils that people generally lend, such as a sifter, or a sieve,
or a mill, or an oven, must divorce her and give her the payment of
her marriage contract, since by making such rules he causes her to
develop a bad reputation among her neighbors, who will suspect her of
stinginess or haughtiness.” (Sefaria.org translation) Great is the respect due
to all human beings. When the husband demeans his wife by demanding she do
things that others will misinterpret and think she’s crazy or acquire a bad
reputation, he is not treating her with all due respect and must divorce her.
The Gemara moves on to
provide examples where the wife breaks the fundamental trust that a husband and
wife must have in order for the marriage to flourish.
“MISHNA: And these are examples of
women who may be divorced without payment of their marriage contract:
A woman who violates the precepts of Moses, i.e., halakha,
or the precepts of Jewish women, i.e., custom. The Mishna
explains: And who is categorized as a woman who violates the precepts
of Moses? This includes cases such as when she feeds him food that
has not been tithed, or she engages in sexual intercourse with him while
she has the legal status of a menstruating woman, or she does not separate a
portion of dough to be given to a priest [ḥalla], or she vows and does
not fulfill her vows.
“And who is considered a woman who violates the precepts of
Jewish women? One who, for example, goes out of her house, and
her head, i.e., her hair, is uncovered; or she spins wool in
the public marketplace; or she speaks with every man she
encounters. Abba Shaul says: Also one who curses his, i.e., her
husband’s, parents in his presence. Rabbi Tarfon says: Also a loud woman.
And who is defined as a loud woman? When she speaks inside her house and
her neighbors hear her voice.” (Sefaria.org translation)
Transgressing
a Torah law does not automatically trigger a divorce. All the examples given in
the Mishna have one thing in common. Their transgression effects the husband by
making him culpable as well. For example, “The mishna stated: She feeds him
food that has not been tithed. The Gemara attempts to clarify: What
are the circumstances of the case under discussion? If he knows that
the food is untithed, he should abstain and not eat it. And if he
does not know that the food is untithed, then how does he know that
she in fact fed him such food, so that he can divorce her? The Gemara responds:
No, it is necessary when she tells him: So-and-so the priest
rectified the pile of grain for me by tithing it, and he then
went and asked the priest whether he did so, and it was found to
be a lie. It is therefore clear that she did not tithe the food before
she served it to him.” (Sefaria.org translation) In this case and all the other
cases of Torah law, the Gemara explains that the wife lied to her husband thus
causing him to sin as well. Lying destroys the trust necessary in the marriage.
Without that trust the marriage cannot continue. Since the marriage dissolution
is her fault, she loses her ketubah.
“The
mishna stated: Abba Shaul
says: Also a woman who curses her husband’s parents in his
presence violates the precepts of Jewish women. Rav
Yehuda said that Shmuel said: Even when she curses his
parents in the presence of his children and not in his presence she is
considered one who violates Jewish custom. And your mnemonic is “Ephraim and Manasseh
will be to me like Reuben and Simeon” (Genesis 48:5), which teaches that grandchildren
have the status of children. Cursing one’s husband’s parents in front of his
children is tantamount to doing so in front of the husband himself. Rabba said:
An example is that she said in the presence of her husband’s son: May
a lion devour your grandfather.” (Sefaria.org translation)
We
all know how wrong it is to speak badly about the other set of grandparents or
to speak badly about an ex-spouse in front of the children. “It's painful to find out that someone has been saying bad
things about you behind your back. Badmouthing can make you feel like you've
had your dignity swiped from you. You may feel like doing damage control that
may not be productive.
“Divorce and
separation can often leave those involved feeling hostile and resentful, so it
is not uncommon to find one or both people involved in badmouthing their
ex-spouse behind their back.
“Unfortunately,
sometimes it is the children that these two people share that become first-hand
witnesses of this badmouthing. When one parent says mean, hurtful things about
their co-parent in front of their kids, the children carry the emotional burden
of having heard those things. That burden can lead to negative consequences
like anxiety, stress, and even grief.
“Between one another,
understanding what badmouthing is and dealing with it appropriately is a
crucial step towards improving your co-parenting and protecting your children
from divorce conflict.”
(https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/dealing-badmouthing-co-parent)
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