How to visit the sick TB Nedarim 41

When it comes to visiting the sick, today’s daf TB Nedarim 41 teaches us that before we visit we have to take into consideration the feelings and needs of the patient. “Shmuel said: One visits a sick person only if that person is one whom fever overcame. The Gemara asks: What illnesses does this statement come to exclude? The Gemara answers: It comes to exclude that which is taught in a baraita: Rabbi Yosei ben Perata says in the name of Rabbi Eliezer: One visits neither those with intestinal illness, nor those with eye illness, nor those suffering from headaches. The Gemara asks: Granted, one does not visit those with intestinal sickness, due to the sick person’s embarrassment, as he would need to frequently relieve himself and it would be awkward for him in the presence of the visitor. However, what is the reason that one does not visit those with eye illnesses and headaches?

“The Gemara answers: It is due to that which Rav Yehuda said, as Rav Yehuda said: Speech is injurious for the eye and beneficial for curing a fever. Therefore, if one suffers from pain in his eye or his head it is better for him not to talk. If he has visitors, he will need to speak to them, which will cause him harm.” (Sefaria.org translation) Obviously this list includes other severe ailments which it would be better for the patient not to talk to his visitors.

That doesn’t mean we are absolved from the mitzvah of bikur holim. Even though one should not visit the patient in person, one enters an outside room and inquires how he is doing, asks how one may help (like preparing a meal for the patient and his caregivers), and prays for the patient’s recovery.

“The Talmud sensed that visitors need some guidelines as to how to behave, and so in the daf that we will learn on Sunday (TB Nedarim 40-gg), Rav Shisha suggested the following rule: "One should not visit a sick person in the first three hours of the day or in the last three hours of the day." In addition, the Talmud notes that "one who goes to visit the sick should not sit on the bed nor on a bench or a chair, but instead should wrap himself up in his cloak and sit on the ground, because the divine presence rests above the bed of a sick person." While we may no-longer follow this advice, the suggestion that we take our visits to the sick seriously is one that we should heed. Let's close with some more advice, updated for the modern era, from Pogrebin's 2013 handbook (p86-86):

1.     Ask the patient to be honest with you and all their friends.

2.     Be honest with yourself about your attitude toward the visit.

3.     Think through your role in the visit.

4.     Don't visit if you can't abide silence.

5.     Be prepared to respond without flinching to whatever scene or circumstances greet you during your visit.

6.     Be sensitive to your friend's losses.

7.     Talk honestly with your children about the demands illness makes on friendship and how important it is to visit people who want company.” 

(Talmudology, Nedarim 39b, Talmudology.com)