The only person you can change in a relationship is you TB Baba Metzia 85

Today’s daf TB Baba Metzia 85 contrast Rabbi Elazar son of Rabbi Shimon and Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi. Both suffered great afflictions. “The Gemara says: But even so, the afflictions of Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, were greater than those of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi. The reason is that whereas the afflictions of Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, came upon him out of love, and left him out of love, i.e., they were solely the result of his own request, not because he deserved them (see yesterday’s daf for the entire story-gg), those of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi came upon him due to an incident and left him due to another incident.” (Sefaria.org translation)

“The Gemara stated that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi’s suffering came upon him due to an incident. What was that incident that led to his suffering? The Gemara answers that there was a certain calf that was being led to slaughter. The calf went and hung its head on the corner of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi’s garment and was weeping. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to it: Go, as you were created for this purpose. It was said in Heaven: Since he was not compassionate toward the calf, let afflictions come upon him.

“The Gemara explains the statement: And left him due to another incident. One day, the maidservant of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi was sweeping his house. There were young weasels [karkushta] lying about, and she was in the process of sweeping them out. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to her: Let them be, as it is written: “The Lord is good to all; and His mercies are over all His works” (Psalms 145:9). They said in Heaven: Since he was compassionate, we shall be compassionate on him, and he was relieved of his suffering.” (Sefaria.org translation)

The moral of the story is clear. God treats human beings as human beings treats their fellow persons. During the High Holidays if we want God to be merciful towards us and forgive us we in turn first must be merciful and forgive those who have wronged us.

This is true in all relationships. The only person we can change in any relationship is us, but paradoxically the other changes as well. If you want your significant other to love you, you must love him/her first. When you do, he/she will return that love. If you want the other person to be kind, you must be kind first. When you do, he/she will return the kindness. If you want the other person to be helpful, you must be helpful first. When you do, he/she will reciprocate and be helpful.