The great extent the commandment of honoring parents demands TB Kidushin 31

Yesterday’s daf TB Kidushin 30 introduced the topic of honoring one’s parents kibud av ve-aim (כִּבּוּד אָב וְאֵם). Tomorrow’s daf will actually define what does this mitzvah require. Today’s daf Kidushin 31 examines the extent of this mitzvah.

“Ben Zoma said: Who is wise? He who learns from every man, as it is said: “From all who taught me have I gained understanding” (Psalms 119:99).’ (Pirke Avot 4:1) The first story of a person honoring his father shows us that the rabbis not only talked the talk, but they walked the walk. Three times on our daf, they hold Dama ben Netina, a pagan, as example to follow 

“Rav Yehuda says that Shmuel says: They asked Rabbi Eliezer: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother? Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Go and see what one pagan did for his father in Ashkelon, and the name of the son was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages wished to purchase precious stones from him for the ephod of the High Priest for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, and Rav Kahana taught that it was eight hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit. And the key to the chest holding the jewels was placed under his father’s head, and he would not disturb him.” (Sefaria.org translation)

Dama ben Netina is ever a positive role model for us to follow in other aspects in our lives. We’ll see as the story continues, the following year he had the upper hand in negotiations with the rabbis, but did not exploit it. “The next year the Holy One, Blessed be He, gave Dama ben Netina his reward, as a red heifer was born in his herd, and the Jews needed it. When the Sages of Israel came to him he said to them: I know, concerning you, that if I were to ask for all the money in the world you would give it to me. But I ask only that money that I lost due to the honor of Father.” (Sefaria.org translation)

According to Tosafot ד"ה וּבָאתָה אִמּוֹ וּקְרָעַתּוּ Dama ben Netima’s mother was mentally ill. Even when she exhibited disturbing behavior in public, he honored her by not embarrassing her. “When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon] of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.” (Sefaria.org translation)

Avimi ben Rabbi Abbuha teaches us our intention matters as much if not more than our actions. “Avimi, son of Rabbi Abbahu, taught: There is a type of son who feeds his father pheasant [pasyonei] and yet this behavior causes him to be removed from the World, i.e., the World-to-Come; and there is one who makes him grind with a millstone, which is difficult work, and this action brings him to the life of the World-to-Come.” (Sefaria.org translation) Tosafot ד"ה וְטוֹרְדוֹ מִן הָעוֹלָם explains that the first child spitefully gave his father pheasant while the second child honor his father with nice and comforting words.