The Torah differentiates two different kinds of mitzvot a child is obligated to fulfill towards his /her parent A child is obligated to honor (kibud-כִּיבּוּד) his/her parents as is written “Honor your father and your mother, (Exodus 20:12)….” The child is also obligated to revere (mora-מוֹרָא ) his/her parents as is written “A man shall revere his mother and his father. (Leviticus 19:3)”
At the very bottom of yesterday’s daf, the Gemara provides an inexhaustive list of what these
commandments demand of the child to observe. “The Sages taught: What is fear and what is honor? Fear of one’s father includes the
following: One may not stand in his father’s fixed place, and may not
sit in his place, and may not contradict his statements by expressing an
opinion contrary to that of his father, and he may not choose sides when
his father argues with someone else. What is considered honor? He gives
his father food and drink, dresses and covers him, and brings him
in and takes him out for all his household needs.”
(Kidushin 31b, Sefaria.org translation)
Rashi and the Ramah (רמ"ה), Meir ben Todros HaLevi Abulafia, a major Sephardic Talmudist and Halachic authority in medieval Spain, disagree what is the correct understanding of not choosing sides means. Rashi gives the example when the father and another person are arguing, the son agrees with the person who was arguing with his father. The Ramah, as cited in the Tur, gives the example when the father and another person are arguing, the son agrees with the father. The son’s agreement may appear that the father needs his backing. Since the father doesn’t need the backing of the son at all, the son should remain quiet.
Everybody agrees that the child should service his/her
parents, but whose funds should underwrite the expenditures of food and drink? The
very top of today’s Kidushin 32 records a disagreement between Rav Yehuda and Rav
Natan ben Oshaya. “Rav
Yehuda says: From
the money of the son. Rav Natan bar Oshaya said: From the money of
the father. The Sages gave this following ruling to Rav Yirmeya, and
some say they gave this following ruling to the son of Rav Yirmeya:
The halakha is like the one who says it must be paid from
the money of the father.” (Sefaria.org translation)
May a person
forgo his honor? The Gemara provides a hierarchy of who may and who may not
forgo his honor.
“Rav
Yitzḥak bar Sheila says that Rav Mattana says that Rav Ḥisda
says: With regard to a father who forgoes his honor, his honor is
forgone, and his son does not transgress if he does not treat him in the
proper manner…And Rav Yosef says: Even with regard to a rabbi who
forgoes his honor, his honor is forgone, as it is stated: “And the Lord went
before them by day” (Exodus 13:21). God Himself, the Teacher of the Jewish
people, had forgone the honor due Him and took the trouble to guide the people...
(The Gemara then provides three antidotes of a rabbi serving drinks at a
wedding where some of his students fail to differentiate between honor and
reverence) A rabbi can forgo the full measure of honor due to him, but even
so, others are required to perform some act of reverence,
such as preparing to stand before him…Rather, if it was stated, it was
stated as follows: Rav Ashi said: Even according to the one who says that
if a Nasi (the rabbinic leader of the Jewish people
during Mishnaic times-gg) forgoes the honor due him,
his honor is forgone, if a king forgoes the honor due him,
his honor is not forgone. As it is stated: “You shall set a king over you”
(Deuteronomy 17:15), which indicates that his fear should be upon you.
The people are commanded to fear a king, and therefore it is not permitted for
him to forgo the honor due to him.” (Sefaria.org translation)
Everybody
except the king can forgo the honor to him is the bottom line. It’s still good
to be the king.
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