When to leave a party TB Pesakhim 86 part three

 Dedicated to the memory of my teacher Dr. Zucker

Chapter 7 ends with the rabbis’ version of “ Emily Posts” Jewish etiquette. One story revolves an incident concerning Rav Huna. “Rav Huna, son of Rav Natan, happened to come to the house of Rav Nahman bar Yitzhak. They said to him: What is your name? He said to them: Rav Huna, even though using his title appeared to show conceit. They said: Our master may sit on the bed due to his great stature. He sat immediately, despite the fact that common etiquette dictated that he initially refuse. They gave him a cup of wine that he accepted the first time, without initially refusing it. And he drank it in two sips and did not turn his face from the rest of the people who were present.” (TB Pesakhim 86b, Sefaria.org translation)

They called him out for what they thought were five inappropriate behaviors. “These actions all appeared to be departures from the common etiquette and surprised his hosts, who said to him: What is the reason you call yourself Rav Huna? He said to them: I am known by that name since my youth, and therefore referring to myself with that title does not indicate conceit. They asked him: What is the reason that when they told you to sit on the bed, you sat immediately and did not initially refuse? He said to them: We have learned that anything the master of the house says to you, you should do, except for an inappropriate request, such as if he says to leave.

“They continued to question his conduct: What is the reason that when they gave you the cup, you accepted it the first time and did not politely demur? He said to them: One may refuse a lesser person, but one may not refuse a great person; when an important person makes a request, it is respectful to comply immediately. They persisted in their questioning: What is the reason you drank it in two sips? He said to them: As it was taught in a baraita: One who drinks his cup at one time is a guzzler; drinking it in two sips is proper manners; one who drinks his cup in three sips is haughty, as he thereby demonstrates that he is pampered and indulgent. They continued to question his conduct: What is the reason you did not turn your face in accordance with the common etiquette? He said to them: We learned in the mishna that a bride turns her face; however, there is no reason for anyone else to turn his face.”

Rav Huna’s defense why he sat on the bed brought a smile to my face because I first learned this bit of etiquette from Dr. Zucker z”l, one of my Talmud teachers at JTS. Because I walked him home every night after the 10:00 PM ma’ariv services, he invited Isaac Mordechai, his other student body guard, and me for a Shabbat meal. He taught me then phrase “He said to them: We have learned that anything the master of the house says to you, you should do, except for if he says to leave.-כׇּל מַה שֶׁיֹּאמַר לְךָ בַּעַל הַבַּיִת עֲשֵׂה חוּץ מִצֵּא”

Perhaps Dr. Zucker had in mind how the Vilna Gaon understood this Gemara when he taught it to me. A guest should pick up of all the clues the host is sending him about it is time to leave and leave before the host have to tell him directly it is time to go.