Divorce TB Sanhedrin 22

When King David grew old, his servants brought him Avishag, a “hot chick,” to warm him up (See I Kings1). Today’s daf TB Sanhedrin 22 goes off on a tangent by discussing divorce because the Gemara explains that King David refused Avishag’s request for marriage because he had already reached the quota of permissible wives and was unwilling to divorce any of his wives.  

“Rabbi Eliezer says: Concerning anyone who divorces his first wife, even the altar sheds tears about him, as it is stated: “And further, this you should do: Cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and sighing, from His no longer showing regard to the offering, nor receiving it with goodwill from your hand” (Malachi 2:13), and it is written: “Yet you say: Why? Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and the wife of your covenant” (Malachi 2:14).” (Sefaria.org translation)

Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. Researchers estimate that 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce. The major reason is infidelity. Marriages that begin with such hope and promise don’t have to end in divorce. I can recommend two books that help strengthen the marriage bonds. The first book is Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart by William Doherty. The second book is the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Doherty describes an intentional marriage. “What do I mean by an intentional marriage? It’s one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and plentiful about maintaining and building their commitment and connection over the years. They see themselves as active citizens of their marriage rather than as passive consumers of marital services. A lot goes into being intentional about marriage. I place special emphasis on three aspects: a rock solid commitment to the marriage, a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy, and a supportive community. There are other ways to be intentional as well, such as developing good communication skills and constructive ways to argue and deal with conflict. In this era, if we are not intentional, we will become a consumer couple that has bought the boat and expects love, good intentions, and the river to do the rest.

“The only way to keep back our marriages from the truth south is to keep paddling and have a joint navigational plan. Paddling means doing the everyday things to stay connected, to find time for each other, to go on dates, to make a big deal of anniversaries and special occasions, to work hard to reconnect after periods when we have been distracted from each other. Having a joint navigational plan means that you both are committed for keeps, with no exit strategy, and that you both take responsibility to monitor how the marriage is doing, when it needs midcourse corrections, and when it needs help in the form of marriage education are marriage therapy. Intentional marriage is about everyday attention and long-range planning.” (Pages 18-19)

As sad as a divorce can be, Judaism has always permitted divorce. In fact, there are times when divorce is absolutely necessary. For example, if one spouse is emotionally and/or physically abusive or the spouse’s life is in danger by staying in the marriage, divorce is the only viable option.